Article Presented by:
Carol Chanel
One thing I know about rejection is that it feels real. And even though it rarely is real, it sure feels that way.
Why is it rarely real?
First let's look at - what is rejection?
It looks or feels like someone decides they don't want to spend time, money, or share their heart with you.
A person seemingly rejects you in favor of someone or something else. Or so it seems at first glance.
Why You Might Take Rejection Personally?
What makes rejection seemingly hurt so much is that you perceive it to be a rejection of you personally. As a person, a human being.
The definition of rejection that we take personally is to 'discard as defective or useless.'
That zings right into our hearts.
One thing I know for certain -- absolutely no one on this earth can tell you that you're defective or useless. Well, they can tell you but you can 'reject' their comment.
The real pain behind rejection is that we think someone is saying we aren't worthy. We are defective or useless. Guess what, it's a lie.
IT'S A LIE!
You aren't defective, flawed or useless. Why is it a lie? No one is defective or useless. If you are breathing you have an opportunity to be quite useful and if there is something you want to change about your life, you can do that. No one is defective.
Why do you think that the other person's behavior, words or thoughts are about you? They aren't. It's about them. Always.
It's about what works and doesn't work for them. And if you don't work, match or fit for someone, I guarantee you that you will work, match or fit for someone else. And someone else will work better for you.
And if someone can make you feel defective or useless, then underneath, you feel that way, otherwise you would reject that thought.
You aren't defective. You aren't useless. You're a Goddess, be one, carry yourself as one. Act as if you are a Goddess until you fully believe it and honor it.
Client Examples
I worked with a fabulous woman - we'll call her Teresa. She is smart, kind, funny and very upbeat.
But every time a man didn't want to be with her, she felt rejected. And it would put her into a tailspin. She'd feel like she'd never meet a man that would like her for herself. Of course, then no man would come near her, because that was the energy she was putting out into the world 'you really won't want to come near me, I'm defective.' Of course, that wasn't what she meant to do.
The way life works - you get what you think about, whether you want it or not. So if you're thinking that someone might or will reject you that's exactly what will happen.
Teresa understood the concept of attracting what you think about. She and I worked on having her realize and focus on the things that she liked about herself. As she did that daily for a couple of months, she began to shift.
Step by step, she began to realize she wasn't defective and that she was useful, and so much more. She realized she was attractive, fun, smart, had a great sense of humor and she was discriminating. She didn't want any old man. She wanted a wonderful, kind, smart, funny, responsible, loving, passionate, healthy man.
When we looked at the various men who had been in her life and what had been going on with them, she realized they weren't a good fit for the new, authentic Teresa. She looked closely and realized they weren't rejecting her. It wasn't personal.
They had their own issues, insecurities, fears, etc. She quickly saw that she was better off without them in her life on a love relationship basis. They didn't work for her!
Neither person was defective or useless - they just weren't meant to be together in a romantic way.
Now she is dating and enjoying herself and holding herself in high-esteem.
Another client, I'll refer to her as Sarah, wrote me saying, "My boyfriend just broke up with me and I'm feeling so rejected. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. Can you give me some insights so that I don't have to feel badly about myself?"
Here's my response to her:
I know from reading your full email to me that the reason he broke up with you is that he wasn't ready for a long-term committed relationship, and you are.
So think of it this way: he wasn't rejecting you as a person, he was saying that what you wanted wasn't what he wanted right now. He is extremely busy - at age 33 - building his career and proving to himself that he can be successful. That is his choice. It doesn't seem to have anything to do with you.
Sarah, he isn't rejecting you, he is choosing HIS priorities. And career and success are his priorities. Not a relationship.
Keep staying open. Honor your choice and his choice. It's not personal. He has a right to his choices. And remember you are a Goddess and the best man will come into your life. Someone who is ready for a commitment. By letting him go, you are opening the space both in your heart and energetically for the best man.
So please keep working on yourself and keep your heart open. That way the man you are meant to be with can find you, and then the committed relationship you want will be right for both of you.
You are on the right track. Keep looking and loving
The BEST Relationship
When you are in the best relationship for yourself and for the other person, you'll know it. It doesn't mean you are home free. There is always work in relationships.
But that person - the best person - for you doesn't make you feel rejected when he has to take care of his own business.
You know he loves you - he tells you in different ways. He shows his feelings for you.
And you show him love and appreciation, which creates a safe and courageous space for him, and that makes a man really happy and a good partner.
Work on Yourself
So if this is a recurring theme in your life, then start right now to change it.
Begin by listing all the wonderful qualities you have. Then ask friends and family what it is they appreciate and like about you.
Then look back on past relationships and honestly ask yourself where the man was in his life when he stopped being with you. (Don't use the word rejection.) What was going on in his life? What kind of man was he really?
Often we love someone and know they are truly a good person, but their behavior is awful. Or maybe they just aren't available, so they can't be in a relationship. Maybe they came from an abusive home and they don't know how to love, or communicate.
Look honestly, and then answer this question:
'Were they rejecting me or were they unable to be in a relationship with a Goddess like me?'
What I notice, is the majority of women know the man wasn't a good fit, they were just afraid of being alone and so they settled. That's another article, but look and ask yourself honestly, if you were settling. You don't have to, so don't. And YOUR man will love you to pieces.
YOUR CHOICE
It's your choice whether you want to feel rejected or you want to accept that it wasn't the best person for you or vice versa. There isn't anything wrong in either case. No one is wrong, defective or useless. It just wasn't a good fit.
So don't feel badly about yourself. You're a Goddess!
If you want some help working through any old rejection patterns, call me, another coach, psychotherapist or a hypnotherapist. Don't hold on to it any longer.
When you love or like yourself, when you feel good about yourself, when you take care of yourself, you will feel free.
So love yourself, see your goodness, honor your Goddess.
(c) Carol Chanel, 2006
About the Author:
Carol Chanel is a Certified Personal Life Coach who works with people by phone, from all over the world, to help them get UNSTUCK, have more self-confidence, feel inspired and attract romantic, healthy relationships.
You can contact her at:
http://www.carolchanel.com
carol@carolchanel.com
310-998-8860
