Article Presented by:
Theresa Gabriel
"I should volunteer more at my church." "My house should always look nice." "I should attend the Rotary Club meeting today." "My husband should keep his socks off the floor." "I should be a manager by now." The 'Tyranny of the Shoulds' was recognized and labeled by psychoanalyst Karen Horney during the time of Freud. You may have another name for them: gremlins, monkey-mind, tapes, voices, and my favorite -- the committee. These 'shoulds' are imperceptible yet life-dictating rules that are a result of past unhealthy relationships and experiences. Let's give it a more precise name – codependency.
So What is Codependency?
Well baby, it's not just for alcoholics anymore! In the 1980's, the definition of codependency expanded to include 'people- pleasers' who set themselves up to be victims and rescuers. Robert Burney, therapist and author of the books "Codependence" and "The Dance of Wounded Souls" says "Codependence is characterized by dependence on outer or external sources for self-worth and self- definition" caused by unhealed childhood emotional wounds.
It's more than just not being able to say no to the latest committee looking for help. So let's get specific about the difference between healthy interdependence and codependence.
Codependence Vs. Interdependence
A codependent believes it's easier to do things herself rather than ask for help. A healthy person delegates tasks and remains in the background to assist when asked, trusting in the others intelligence and creativity.
A codependent often reminds (nags) her husband about his 'honey-do list.' She threatens to hire someone to get them done, although she would never actually do so - that would mean she could no longer belittle him. A healthy person chooses to remain silent about undone tasks, thankful for all of her husband's good qualities. She might even pitch in and complete some of the tasks herself.
A codependent makes decisions that result in the least amount of confrontation and controversy. A healthy person makes self- governing decisions even if she knows some people will shake their head and be disappointed
A codependent feels it's her duty to pull her weight. She will immediately agree to help when asked, but later will become angry. A healthy person volunteers only for projects that she cares deeply about and only when her schedule allows adequate time for her to do a good job and have fun doing it.
A codependent believes that her work is her prayer, or that her personal spiritual life must come last. A healthy person knows a reciprocal relationship between service and solitude.
A codependent is concerned with how others see her, although she probably would never say it that quite that way. A healthy person is concerned with seeing Christ in others.
Take the Plunge
If you're ready: Instead of giving 100% every time, only give 98% - and save 2% for yourself. Contrary to what you may believe, it's not evil or selfish.
What do you really want to do, and not want to do? Draw a line! Make an autonomous decision. Take the heat for your decision. This is the first cleansing step to becoming a healthy interdependent person.
Notice the results of holding your own. You're in a strange land. If yours was a true co-dependent relationship the other(s) will attempt to pull you back into the old routine. Your husband may even goad you into nagging him again. But be stubborn, and stay the course toward your new healthy relationships.
Join the Cool Club
Someone will surely be upset or disappointed. Don't be surprised, however, when someone comes up to you and confirm your decision by saying: "You're smart to say no," "You were great!" or "We can't to everything, can we?" You've just joined a new club! It is an alliance of women no longer struggling for approval, but for life balance. Those of us in this 'club' still fall into the grip of 'The Tyranny of the Shoulds' on occasion, but we have agreed between us that there is a better way to live. We are always there to encourage one another when a good decision is made. It's pretty nice on this side, away from the should's! I hope you'll join us!
Questions:
1. Where do you feel the need to rescue others?
2. What do you really want?
3. What are you doing that drains your energy?
4. What would it be like to disagree with your friend? Your boss? Your club members?
5. What could you enjoy more of if you had more free time?
6. Make a list of expectations you have of others. If they never - ever - meet those expectations, what will it be like?
If you quit nagging, will your husband get worse? (Sorry, that was a rhetorical question, but it opened my eyes when I heard it the first time!)
Resources
"What Is Co-Dependency Who Has It, How Did I Get It And Is It Catching," http://www.mlode.com/~ra/ra8/whatisco-dependency.htm Robert Burney
Chapter Three: Codependency: A betrayal of Wholeness, from the book "Urgings of the Heart, Wilkie Au and Noreen Cannon
About the Author:
Women Summit LLC - Life Discovery Tours - Women's Retreats
Paths began to beckon Theresa when she was 12, visiting the Bridger Wilderness in Wyoming. Walking, dancing, and movement are a part of her, nourished by John Denver's musical challenge for her to "fly." She has walked up mountains and through forests in Wyoming, Germany, Switzerland, and Austria. She's lived in Germany and has traveled extensively in Europe, even leading a pilgrimage. Her recent walks in the Grand Canyon and Alaska inspired her to begin her dream business of "walking with women." Learn more about Theresa Gabriel and her Life Discovery Tours at her web site.
Women Summit LLC http://www.womensummit.com
